This post will be freely associated, but with a little structure.

I am obsessed with god. I think about god everyday. I think of hating it, I think of longing for something like it to exist. I know I can't bring myself to believe in one, but then why can't I let go? My life has meaning without a belief in a god. The other day I was so nervous for a piano exam that I imagined myself as someone giving their being over to a greater existence, such as very moved spiritual people submit to a god, and no one came to take my spirit. No thing took my offer. I wasn't expecting a voice or a light, but a final realization as to what the submission part was for. This realization didn't come in a god way, but more that we all see ourselves as helpless so we don't have to realize that it's our fault for not playing piano more to do better on the exam. I will probably never practice piano enough, I like succeeding at it but I am not rewarded. I think many, possibly all behavior could be rooted from reward perception. It's funny because it's easy to agree with any psychological perspective because they all explain something true. I am starting to believe more and more Gian's view of the afterlife. I am so easily influenced by him, and I think I realize it but I don't think he knows it. I think everything I do is inspired by him, almost. I used to be very superficial. I had this dark artistic side that I thought I could only be if I were gothic, and that I didn't want to be gothic. He opened up my innermost creativity that I had snuffed out in order to make friends in high school. Now I am more myself, although how true is that if I'm influenced by him, and I am making a sufficient amount of friends in college. I don't let on that I'm crazy right away, but I do show it enough to sometimes maybe often shock people. I get more annoyed at people than ever, but I do not burn bridges. I think I burned bridges a lot in the past. Some of those are in a way being rebuilt now too. It's weird Tyler texted me. I don't particularly like him, but part of me always wanted to be his friend again. I wish he would see me as I want him to though, and I can't tell if he does. I was very, very emotionally unstable with him. I really must have been to young to handle a relationship like that. I am still very immature about sex, but very accepting of it as well. I don't know why I make a big deal of people fucking sometimes and judge people for being shocked at my life. They don't even know. I don't even know either. I am coming to terms with people waiting until marriage. It does help to live it up in other ways. I think this marks me becoming more accepting and more mature about sex. Maybe I will grow up one day. I learned I need to understand that if someone I love says something I think is wrong, that they didn't mean to be offensive but they have different experiences than me. I still wonder how smart I am compared to other people. I wish I knew, because I feel really smart and I feel like a lot of people get more credit than me and are not as smart. I just think a lot is all. I actually think more than anything else, which means I waste a lot of time.