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Lesbians goin' out <3 musicals being sung!

Lady Gaga on Bullying

I just watched this and I had some points to share:

I don't get what Lady Gaga is going for if she wants people to be themselves and empowered but uses "you're sexy" as opening reassuring words. She just sounds crazy the way she speaks, but maybe just drunk. It's kind of hard for anyone to be themselves and be sexy. One is much more important than the other, but whatever.

"If anyone has ever put you in a fucking trash can you can always get the fuck out"
No, probably not, because they're bigger than you and more aggressive if they got you in the can in the first place. But you can look at them and think, "what a piece of shit. maybe they'll get their slap in the face one day, if not, they may have no hope." Actually, I don't have an alternative to her solution. I definitely do recommend getting out of the trashcan.

Finally someone notices my tye dye leggings.

Donning pants today.

Tuesdays

Are usually busy :|

I promised I wouldn't put this on facebook.

This week in clothes, but not really.

 Vienna Class

hate posing, because I look dumb but just focus on the outfit or whatever you want.

Sometimes, I hate only having a webcam because you can't see that I'm wearin' a lace skirt under my red dress.

Breaking the Silence outfit, completed with pride pin. When I got there I put on the free tee. Pics later.

Houston is part of the LGBTQIA Community. I think he's asexual. He's def dying a virgin.

:e

one time, it was warm. Brewster wants to get those pins made at Tangled Up in Hue

I'm not singing at this moment. I should be. Later. ugh,

i like

fuck one time things.

I care enough to include in the title that this is a long post, but I don't care enough to shorten it.

I'm going to go Zoe Margolis on y'all. If you don't know, she's the author of Diary of a Sex Fiend, a witty twitter update composer, British, and a pretty awesome feminist. Basically, she's me (well, that's what I tell myself). I lost her book because I lent it out to my friends when I was in high school-- it's about sex! And it is told from a feminist perspective. I figured I'd lure my friends in, and by the end they'd rethink using the word slut and advocate for women's equality and rights. I don't know how that turned out, but they always like the book anyway.

Mine is the diary of another woman. First of all, I don't feel like a woman right now. I'm just getting the point across. And I may not be the third part of the traingle. Either way, involved was a sleepover of the least innocent quality with a friend who has a girlfriend in Madison of like four fucking years. I only know that from facebook. I definitely have been justifying it in my head as I have some guilt for the events. I don't know if I should feel guilty. I've never agreed with people in college who stay with their boyfriends they got with when they were 16.

Personally, I think who you love in high school is so different from anyone you'll meet in 'adulthood'. Staying with your partner in college, especially when they are far away inhibits one to think independently. I've seen it in every case I know of. When I planned on staying with Gian in college, we definitely discussed that and decided to be really open with our relationship. Basically, I hate monogamy anyways and he and I started off as super casual before we fell for each other.

So why do I feel guilty? Probably has to do with that I had to tell my best friend. I didn't want to keep anything from her, and she and I hang out with this chap all the time. She's known him forever, and introduced us. I like saying chap, so that will be his reference. My best friend is super understanding, but really surprised at him and what happened. Weird, because I knew it would happen when I met him. All of the sudden since I've moved to Eau Claire I just read people really well. I have no idea how it happened. Maybe too much drug use or something. I bet I could tell you what you were thinking. One time we hung out, and the chap said something about lying being easy when the person expects you to be responsible and honest. Um, alarms?

The only reason I would let myself fell guilty for is if our actions hurt somebody. However, who knows? They have a really high chance of not being right for each other. They might even be open like Gian and I are. Emily hates talking about her feelings to people; therefore she will not be the instigator of talking about it with the ol' chap. He doesn't seem like he's going to tell, either. I just wish monogamy wasn't so gosh damn important. I'm not denying that sex has baggage or saying that I want to have sex with everyone. It's just that there can be trust and non-monogamy. Obviously, trust is being breeched in my situation but there are definitely people *ahem* (me) that have been secure enough with someone to let them for lack of a better word, stray. In my experience, you just have to be honest. If you can't be honest with someone all the time, how will you know if you're lying when you say "I love you" ?

I think what I'm trying to do is figure out if it's ok or not to do what I did. It's ambiguous, and it will stay that way. I'm obsessively thinking about it and have no one to talk with. you know.

i'll type later

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i lived in my own little art world fantasy

eh, cobain said that. never did finish watching About a Son, so I'm getting to that now. Everything is so weird. I wanted to blog, actually. Just now. And now I have nothing to say.

Did adoption help me or help their guilty consciences?

lavender by spinalectricity on Polyvore.com

Have you ever read that one essay on if all people were immortal?
[12/13/10 12:24:40 AM] emily leclaire: every decision would have to be approved by thousands of generations of advise
[12/13/10 12:24:56 AM] emily leclaire: some people would run around doing everything
[12/13/10 12:25:00 AM] emily leclaire: others would do nothing
[12/13/10 12:25:41 AM] emily leclaire: immortality is so complex, but there's no way it could be cool
[12/13/10 12:25:52 AM] emily leclaire: if you do it alone, people are constantly dying
[12/13/10 12:26:04 AM] emily leclaire: with your lover you're always together and struggling
[12/13/10 12:26:15 AM] emily leclaire: with a group there becomes traditions and secrets
[12/13/10 12:27:38 AM] emily leclaire: but because we die, we value life and hopefully the people around us live full lives.. there will be someone who lives past your death. your lover is always with you but not for more than 60 years, and you can choose to not be apart of tradition

This post will be freely associated, but with a little structure.

I am obsessed with god. I think about god everyday. I think of hating it, I think of longing for something like it to exist. I know I can't bring myself to believe in one, but then why can't I let go? My life has meaning without a belief in a god. The other day I was so nervous for a piano exam that I imagined myself as someone giving their being over to a greater existence, such as very moved spiritual people submit to a god, and no one came to take my spirit. No thing took my offer. I wasn't expecting a voice or a light, but a final realization as to what the submission part was for. This realization didn't come in a god way, but more that we all see ourselves as helpless so we don't have to realize that it's our fault for not playing piano more to do better on the exam. I will probably never practice piano enough, I like succeeding at it but I am not rewarded. I think many, possibly all behavior could be rooted from reward perception. It's funny because it's easy to agree with any psychological perspective because they all explain something true. I am starting to believe more and more Gian's view of the afterlife. I am so easily influenced by him, and I think I realize it but I don't think he knows it. I think everything I do is inspired by him, almost. I used to be very superficial. I had this dark artistic side that I thought I could only be if I were gothic, and that I didn't want to be gothic. He opened up my innermost creativity that I had snuffed out in order to make friends in high school. Now I am more myself, although how true is that if I'm influenced by him, and I am making a sufficient amount of friends in college. I don't let on that I'm crazy right away, but I do show it enough to sometimes maybe often shock people. I get more annoyed at people than ever, but I do not burn bridges. I think I burned bridges a lot in the past. Some of those are in a way being rebuilt now too. It's weird Tyler texted me. I don't particularly like him, but part of me always wanted to be his friend again. I wish he would see me as I want him to though, and I can't tell if he does. I was very, very emotionally unstable with him. I really must have been to young to handle a relationship like that. I am still very immature about sex, but very accepting of it as well. I don't know why I make a big deal of people fucking sometimes and judge people for being shocked at my life. They don't even know. I don't even know either. I am coming to terms with people waiting until marriage. It does help to live it up in other ways. I think this marks me becoming more accepting and more mature about sex. Maybe I will grow up one day. I learned I need to understand that if someone I love says something I think is wrong, that they didn't mean to be offensive but they have different experiences than me. I still wonder how smart I am compared to other people. I wish I knew, because I feel really smart and I feel like a lot of people get more credit than me and are not as smart. I just think a lot is all. I actually think more than anything else, which means I waste a lot of time.

Part of me is living in a fantasy and I've never told you yet

Part of me has a delusion that we are or are about to be famous, Courtney and Kurt style. Like you and I are an incarnate of their love, but we're a lot more folk. Inside I am planning our documentaries and publications, and I know you're constantly thinking of our art. It's like you already know I have this fake reality. Maybe I am too humble to know that it's the truth. Perhaps I am crazy in a way that we really are going to be in a documentary and I am too excited to accept it. Either way, this story is good for me in that it helps inspire me to create. I feel an importance to my thoughts, creations, appearance. Like, someday people will remember us and in hindsight and think that they thought we were raw and visionary when really right now people think I'm spacey and out there and you're negative and awkward.

I really feel like you know this already, and after thinking awhile I wonder if maybe I should not put it into words. Maybe I should have written this on paper, or not at all. What way will I get this to you? Email or telling you this post is out there is too direct, but I want to know when you get to this. I want you to read it now. I want you to judge me and strip all of my meaning down. To hate it before you accept it.

c.? Dear Gian

b. Dear Gian

can i call the police office and ask if they are doing anything?

On Dec 8, 2010, at 5:55 PM, Gian Pogliano wrote:

Very upsetting. "Police are looking into it" - bullshit.

On Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 5:48 PM, LeClaire, Emily Marie <LECLAIEM@uwec.edu> wrote:
It's Wednesday: Flipside release day. There were none in front of hibbard today. i like the sine so much that i walked to a different academic bldg to pick one up. i noticed the furthur blgds also didnt have flipside. luckily i got one and saw others picking them up as well.

i flipped through looking for authors i know. read a few headlines and none called out to me, until i sat down to read:
 http://flipsidepress.org/content/rape%3A-local-fraternity-crosses-line

I have been to this fraternity: one night in september i called you very "upset" that i had not gotten drunk in EC yet. my friends were at fiji (luckily they are ok) it is riiight off campus, i probably have pointed it out to you.

i plan on throwing bricks through the windows, so please either mail me or bring me bricks. sending me back with some is acceptable as well.

disgusting.

on top of that they were not in front of hibbard due to PEOPLE TAKING THEM SO NO ONE WOULD PICK IT UP AND READ THE TRUTH.
bam.
fuck.
i hate this shit.




Emily LeClaire
Music major Freshman
leclaiem@uwec.edu
cell: 414-416-3129

Respect for life means you love surprises!

a. Dear Gian

Pain shouldn't be associated with dying. pain is living. when you die your brain releases serotonin, noraprenephrine, adrenaline, and endorphins among other happy chemicals. Happiness is dying.

All my philosophy is going to lead to my death, since it's always so depressing. I like it, but it's borderline dangerous. Don't worry, I'm not planning on dying until after I'm 40ish.

Fuck Piano

I love Eau Claire. In order from least important to important here are the reasons why:

16. Bon Iver

15. The squirrels and birds

14. Historic downtown and old homes

13. Puntam Rock

12. The Chippewa River

11. Flipside
10. Sidewalks
9.   The cafes
8.   The parties aren't obvious, but there are enough to keep me happy
7.   Bc the high pop, of Christians, when you meet a fellow Atheist/just a non-Christian you feel a bond
6.   Bc the high pop. of Republicans/Conservatives you feel like you need to voice your Liberal opinion
5.   Classes are not much bigger than high school, not much harder than senior level or AP classes
4.   The rural scenery but access to what I need
3.   My old friends
2.   My new friends
1.   WoCo and the whole music department

I feel bored, relaxed, both well rested and tired. I'm highly caffeinated but lowly animated. I have at least one crush, kind of two. I'm missing Gian as well but I've seen a guy named James twice this week. I slept over at Kelsey's Tuesday night and we had a lot of fun being ourselves. I slept on her air mattress which was surprisingly comfortable. Last night I slept heavily but I did wake up more than once between 3 and 4 o'clock. I had very vivid dreams of home, school, music, Gian, and James. They were beautiful and hazy but I do not remember them. What matters now is that I can see the sunshine on the aging, drying leaves.

In my 18 years, I've learned to love the complicated & admire the simple. To hate a little & love endlessly; question others and believe in myself.