Deal Breakers

 If you have only one of these traits I will either mock you or cut off ties.

- if you dye your hair black. now dark brown due that looks black depends on your complexion and if you know you made a mistake that may redeem you.

- not being in school. especially if you say you're going to be an actor.... w/o going to acting school. wow. a related deal breaker is going to a two year school for the purpose of going to a two year school. I'm ehhh if youre there to xfer out to do the four year thing. i can live with that.

- if you want kids (lol!)

- "witty" tee shirts. I won't even look at you. also scene or redneck... not a fan of frequent american eagle shirts.

- being overly religious. I'm sure even if you're an atheist who constantly heckles Christians I'd get perturbed.

- any dislike of a general for of art

- any like of anime

- if you like drunk fucking, if you drink a lot, if you are a pot head.

- you're unemployed

Anything I think of past this is just stuff that annoys me. Above however above are truue deal breakers. This eliminates most of the county from any list of potential dates. I'm ok with that though.


Sooooo it's Saturday night and here I am. I didn't work today either,  but  I did do homework.

Occupy

      A big change with me lately is how I occupy my time. I spend less time online and less time alone with boys. I spend more time with Angie: shopping, going out, sitting in bookstores, chilling. I spend more time watching TV and talking about shows. I like it. I'm more outdoorsy in the summer; I hope that with me wanting to be online less will make me go outside more. I'm super bummed that tyler g. invited me to go snowboarding friday and I can't afford it. For some reason I can get over him being douchey if I just watch my shit. We had a heart to heart once and maybe there will be more. I like being one of the boys because you can goof around. Who am I kidding though, I can be a real girl most the time anyways. I like balance.

     Speaking of balance, I try balancing between friends you know you knoww. The other day future roommate commented on my Atheism and I said nothing. I feel embarassed that I didn't stick up for myself. Maybe I should let her think I'll become a Christian (this is her prophecy-- that in 4y I'll be a faithful person) Now honey, there's a biiiig difference between having morals and having faith. For me, faith isn't worth shit. If you want to be a good person, you have to choose your values and stick to it, unless you value complexity and choose your values situationaly. I don't even know who I am yet. I think who you are is based on your morals, lack of them, or complexity of them. I like the idea of being complex, but my mind thinks in terms of black and white. Maybe I'm too young to see things many ways because I know forsure my insight is not 20/20 and I'm working on it.

Can I tell you that you are the purple in me?

Can I call you just to hear you would you care?

I have nothing to say, sorry

finals this week
dance this weekend
And, everything I say to my mother she takes as an insult. "do you have hw?"
"oh, just a little mom I'm getting it together now.."
"why are you such a bitch???"

called for? NO! dayum

craving flesh

ainuke raske osa

on vähene kehaline kontakt.

Ma nägin poissi iga päev kaks aastat

ja selle kummaline korrigeerimist ei puudutanud

ja minna kooli, kus kamp mehi, kes vastikusest sa

ei jälestust, aga mõned. nagu klinka, kes ei ole ebaseaduslikult hangitud üle, et

Ma tegin talle nutma. ja ta võtab selle läbi mulle iga päev nagu kuidagi im

maksab see, kui hoolimata asjaolust theyre sama ebakindlus ma olen iseenda,

i dont anda kurat bc see ei tähenda midagi, tõesti. Mul on edukas ja saab ta perse.

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
  They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
  And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
  By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
  And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
  It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
  And don't have any kids yourself.

(I find this a little true. and he's kinda cute)

I want to write a book so badly

that I think about it all the time.
this year just once, i want to write a voice lesson for penglase that is stunning. one day i want to write something well written, even publishable.
writing, english, or literature classes i will take, but i am not going to be an author as an occupation.
the book may not be written until i retire.
the thing is is that i want to be good enough to create ambiguous multi-faceted characters.
a bouquet of people, a slice of life.
i want it to have more than one theme; philosphies i've learned in my own life the hard way.
i want people to read it and feel.
i want to say something strange, like how Jane Smiley describes the Buick as "swimming."
i want to cause people to think about what i wrote.
i want them to agree with it, and argue it.
this work will be complex: the characters, the themes, even the style.
like how some people argue Willa Cather was a romantic or a realist when really shes a beautiful complex of both.
stunning, sophisticated, intelligent.
i want future generations to see it as part of my society.
i get so excited about this god damn book, and i don't even have the experience to say what it will be about or anything.
but maybe that's not where to start, and i hope in years you will read it.

I want to use you right up, and I don't care if you use me too

cue man man

Man Man was my favorite band for a long time, and we are getting reacquainted through the song Big Trouble. Why? "Woe is me, Imma zombieeeeeee"

I'm running low on energy bc I like staying up reading. I like the quiet of my house and I can hear my gerbil from 3 rooms away. I like the soft hum of my phone when I receive a text. I like the dim light and I forget to worry until I wake up.

I made a mistake and messaged my ex bc his status really tightened my britches. I can't help opening my big whore mouth when something is stupid annoying or not in my favor. Bahaaha.

I feel bad bc I had a really negative energy at the mall. forev 21 was overwhelming: clothes I need, clothes that fit my normal budget... but the fact that I am broke as a joke really hit home. I spend my money going out to eat and out in general with friends, gas, and coffee when I know I'd be happier in a cute pair of pants. or a skirrrrt. But I can't wear the skirt if I don't go out with my friends... budget budget budget! I'm sick o monies, mann!

And damn this is a long post. Sorry if you were looking for a blog with substance...

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
I just remembered I bought the exact CD linked previously. Shaw. Mozart. Requiem. OHMGGG brbs. Thanks for letting me get half a venting session out. I feel bad if I was negative though.

the h word

You should never disrespect someone because they are a hypocrite, because this is the constant state of humankind. We are more complex, too complex in fact to avoid this faux pas. Ergo, we should not condemn it nor celebrate it but let it be.

I wish there was a god in hopes some day I knew every truth.

Significant Event and Career Goal (Scholarship Essay)

         Chorale is the most significant thing in my life. Every event that I can remember vividly with warmth and sentiment comes from times I’ve had in or with Chorale. Chorale is more than just sixth hour choir. Chorale is more than just the top singers in the school, Chorale is a family. Every September when school starts, over sixty kids go to a camp not too far from our home town. We bond and get to know the newest members; we eat together; spend recreation together in the lake or in the fields; sleep or stay up all night talking together; and of course, rehearse our new music. My fondest memories of Chorale Retreat are when the director, Mr. Wanner, told us the news that we were chosen to sing at WCDA’s choir director’s convention. This had been a dream of his since high school. Having reached a big goal in his career and a huge honor to the school district, a tear came to his eye and the eyes of the choir. I remember after that convention in January 2009 upon reflection we realized the convention wasn’t why we felt so accomplished. It was the journey that gave us the feeling of immense success. I believe that that realization applies to real life. Many things I’ve learned in chorale these four years have helped me in real life. Through Mr. Wanner’s class planning, he has shown me to “frontload the work” which means to get the big stuff done first, then detail, and spend the rest of preparation time staying organized and even being more relaxed than procrastinators. Because of Chorale, I’ve sang in Disney and in New York. I’ve meet good people whom I will remember forever—best friends, roommates, and role models. I’ve learned that music will stay with me forever and that art is a necessity. For the rest of my life Chorale will be my fondest memory of high school and probably my entire span as a teenager. Because of all Chorale has shown and taught me, it has been my most significant part of life.

           My career goals at this time are broad, but they remain very important to my future. I want to go to school for Psychology and Music and use these in combination to help people. If I can help anyone, I am successful and happy.

Please visit the "My Formspring" link on my sidebar

Everything my mom says is demotivational. Even Leslie can motivate me from the other side of the country.

Grounded.

I've been in the house all day and I feel like I have nuuu life D:
I'm having the worst symptoms evar
I cleaned my hamster cage
My fish died, his name was Rummy bc I was eating rum ice cream when I named him, lmfaoo. He was super pissy most of the time and he died from  a car crash or something or he ran away, I don't remember. Sooo i wanna make a video still but I never have anything to say to the camera. Since I dont think a video about my fish would be very exciting, I'm jus' makin' this a posty post. Maybe I'll post sophmore emily? LOLNO

Dear Barnes & Noble,

You open up waytoofucking late for those of us who are not going to first hour next week. I have a Mozart Requiem I need to buy and I could get it next week, but noooooooooooooooooooooooo. Assholes.


Kay sorry I love you and your books and seats. Not your coffee but everything else yay.

Love,
Emily

PS I hope you have this: 
Robert Shaw Chorale
Thanks.

I try not to hate on beliefs

But I cannot justify people saying God does everything. There's nothing any deity could say to justify genocide, racism, sexual assault, and unrest. I'm not going to apologize for my beliefs and I can't help it if that offends. I believe it strongly, you can choose what you believe.

Sometimes I pray just because. I have a need to express myself and this is more of a meditation.

If I ever find some conviction in me to believe in a god, I'd be Jewish. I forgot who I, oh yeah I said that to Andrew.

I just wannna say

 I don't take hints, I miss them frequently. I never want to start taking them either. If you have a positive or negative feeling towards me I wont know until it's explicit. I want to teach others to be straight forward and honest like me. The only times I lie are impulsively (rarely) and to my parental figures (frequently).

I would like to stop "gossiping."  I only mean to let you know the truth about situations pertaining to you. Well, then again I love hearing gossip so I haven't decided where to take this one.

I learned to keep secrets.

I want to make a video post.

I'm glad people read this, but I don't want you to feel overwhelmed by my content. I'm thinking about me when I type this. Do not think I am not appreciative, though! I'll gladly take suggestions and I'd love to know who's out there. Thank you.

Went to coffee with her after our one musical scene. She's by best friend.

I had a rough morning:

-lots of snow

-my dad made a heavily racist comment and I didn't correct him

-Was late to first hour

-Dry muffin

-My sewing alteration to my men's shirt came undone when i sat too far on it and bent over topick up my books. The safety pin i used to help me stitch came open and poked my back.

But then, Mr. Adamson noticed that I am excused from class for a week. Fuck. Yeah.

This is a little hard to read, but I'm excused from European History and Music Theory for a week or more. They should make excused a color too. Like an awesome color. Add some flash, make it sparkle.

BEST NEWS OF MY LIFE.

All from some vomiting. I hate vomiting only because my mom thinks I'm preggggggers.

Um, I promise you I am not. The caffeine and other ingredients in Red Bull alone have probably rendered me infertile for life.

But I can tell you I am happy about my schedule. I also had an adorable outfit, even in spite of my alterations being torn. Men's shirt, leggings, a belt, pearl earrings and some bracelets. I took a picture but the tragedy is that my hand looks deformed. I assure you it is not.

I knew it

I knew I should've screenshotted those wonderful comments. Proof. I was going to ss just to post it, not realizing they would be obliterated like tracks in the snow before another blizzard.

I forgot what this new paragraph was about. All the sudden Mariah's on TV and I'm consumed.
OH YEAH This paragraph was for Lady Gaga and sexism.
Lady Gaga is one of the most successful entertainers of 2009.  She is my second favorite successful woman. (Michelle Obama is number one) A commenter on my facebook said "Compared to Bjork Gaga is like [some dumb analogy like 'shes like shit put to mp4' or something]
UMMMM Excuuuuse me? What is this preconceived notion that all female vocalists are in THE SAME GENRE??? You wouldn't compare Black Sabbath to Death Cab for Cutie because their male bands, would you? Bon Iver to the Beatles? I've not listened to Bjork but other contemporary female artists are clumped into a genre, like Regina Spektor, Lilly Allen, Amy Winehouse, Adele... Gaga is in the techno pop genre, I'd equally compare her to any pop artist or techno.. or technopop.. but not Bjork. I've not listened to Bjork, but I'm not going to research that haa. I just hate that people do that. Of course if you compared Lady Gaga to Joanna Newsome you could argue Joanaa is not superficial or involved with material items or even sex, leading you to say her deeper meaning lyrics are "better." I will always respect Joanna Newsome as a profound folk writer. Up there with Dylan. But techno isn't about throwing rocks by a river.. you just don't compare them.

That was a rant, I'm going to regret not getting info about this and making it a real blog, but I'm multitasking (:

To lessen the rantyness: Itunes declares Lady G as "Pop" and Bjork as "Alternative" >>>>DIFFERENT. Thank you Apple (((:

Never Remove Acrylic Nails at Home

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I want to experience as much as I can

When you're young, everything wrong feels like the end of the world. This is stressful and in a way motivating. I'm constantly planning my entire life. I don't give if it changes, I just want to steer in the right direction.

I want to take as many opportunities as I can.
Try out anything and see what fits.
Sure, I know who I am. Do I? What if I contradict myself? What do I want to do with my life?

What kind of people do I like being around? Who do I want to date?

Even though I feel over worked, I'm still the happiest I've been in a long, long time. I just wrote a decent paragraph on a subject I knew nothing NOTHING about. I just failed my whore 1 solo. I wrote a report on a subject I know about but its a shitty report. I haven't worn my new victorias secret. This is all stressfulll!

Back to subject, I want to experience what I can now. I'll hold this value my entire life.

I want to see Rocky Horror in Milwaukee, drink coffee by the big lake, drive at one am. go to taco bell with a huge chorale group to bash boyfriends and bimbos. I wanna like my outfits, spend my money, read good literature. I wanna try and write a poem. I wanna go to LilEmily's party and see the old friends.

By the way thats my weekend coming up ^

Today I told a freshman do not smoke, you will regret it. His sister was in rehab for heroin last month. You can tell he's popular. Good at music, lots of friends... looks like Justin Bieber. Beiber? Beeeeber??????? Every time my voice is hoarse in choir I feel guilty. But I felt like I only said that because my friends were encouraging him not to and I want Lauren to not think Ima crazy. But I feel really good that we tried influencing him. His homelife may be leading him in one direction, but my freshman year I thought the seniors were sooo big and cool I'd do anything for them. Only the seniors that year in choir were stoners. Go figure.
I am not a smoker at all.

I've been discoursing with a few people since my termination of relationship: tyler and emily. It makes me really happy just to open up to other people and learn my likes and dislikes through what I like about others. My friends are setting me up with some guy because he has red hair like me. Well, he doesn't know yet, but they told me. Finally a fun sweethearts date. If it goes well, prom? Delishhhh! I've only been to prom with tyler. The pro: prom sophomore year. the con: tyler. ***See picture at top (15 years old Sophomore prom)

All Bark and No Bite

No need to say anything, this will change

you go to church with him

Probably the nicest, funniest, most dedicated guy ever.

I told myself I wouldn't let this happen

But I stopped reading my literature assigned  books. damn.

But I started procrastinating again.

Oh well, I'll learn from this. Mr. Adamsons haardass class is good for me-- what better preparation for next year?  I wish he were less professional sometimes.

School starts tomorrow. I need the structure.

I have my life written out with lots of  backups and room for new things. That makes me happy. Secure.

I noticed that

Someone I never met got so angry at a perceived blog about me that he commented. And someone that I was under the impression loved me never once took my side or stood up for me.

I'm on the edge of wanting to decide never to love again, or find a strong, dignified man who backs me up. (I'm still explicitly and mutually marrying for money)

I do not believe in rotten people, most "wrong" things are unacceptably right.  I believe hypocrisy to not be a disease but to be in every situation. Every thought anyone has is contradictory. It sounds really fucked up but then why has everyone been a hypocrite once? Is this crime wrong? No. Respect to those who try an avoid it, more to those who are just honest and accept it.

I hold education, superficiality, reality, truth, and ambitiousness close to me. I hold onto science. I admit things. I blurt things. I make me look like an asshole, and I like it.  I like other assholes. It happens.

I believe people when they say that I should never begin censoring myself. Only one person has advised that and I took it to heart.

i hate bitches

sluts are more fun to hang out with.

Being hard to message

is a relief. i do not want anymore calls from rehab facilities. i'm in a home where i am loved and cared for. i know know leslie, and that makes me happy. be home laterrrrrrrr (:

Why would you

..Assign a paper over WINTER BREAK. Everyone's with family and traveling.. getting the house ready for guests, cleaning up after the guests, taking down decorations, cooking... Like I really could care less about Eliz I. Fuckk her.

Why would you make a resolution? My answer: Well folks, they DO motivate us if not for a little while. Something is better than nothing when it comes to SUPERFLUOUS improvements. (Some improvements are necessary and therefore do not have to do with previous statement.)

This is a caffeine induced ramble, but maybe it will invoke a conversation. I digress.
My resolutions are as follows: Meet Andrew. Do not fall for anybody (maybe a little just nothing like what you just freed yaself from.) Stop eating just so you get grandma's chex mix before dad (in other words let's diet.)

Doable, right? Andrew is easy. (lol) Well  I mean in terms of being able to drive down by him without asking my parents Let's not forget I move out in six months. I can just deny feelings or just remind myself of the hell hole SOMEONE was. And the chex mix is already gone and I've been eating smaller portions.

I woke up cuddling someone. Its a big deal to me because it woke up the fact I am more lonely than I thought. For the purpose of my life lonely is defined as a realized lack of physical relations with another man. I have companions and  I have fulfilling love. I'm missing the joys of having a fuck buddy. There ya have it folks! Lord, I don't know who reads this.. maybe I must censor.

But my world needs more co ed sleepovers numbering in 18+ number of people. And with the variety of types too.. the lack of drama...  lovely. I have twenty something people in my home and there were no clicks or little groups. we ate as a mass, watched movies together, danced as a mob, marauded the streets, and passed out together. Rare but acceptable. It felt natural.