Have you ever read that one essay on if all people were immortal?
[12/13/10 12:24:40 AM] emily leclaire: every decision would have to be approved by thousands of generations of advise
[12/13/10 12:24:56 AM] emily leclaire: some people would run around doing everything
[12/13/10 12:25:00 AM] emily leclaire: others would do nothing
[12/13/10 12:25:41 AM] emily leclaire: immortality is so complex, but there's no way it could be cool
[12/13/10 12:25:52 AM] emily leclaire: if you do it alone, people are constantly dying
[12/13/10 12:26:04 AM] emily leclaire: with your lover you're always together and struggling
[12/13/10 12:26:15 AM] emily leclaire: with a group there becomes traditions and secrets
[12/13/10 12:27:38 AM] emily leclaire: but because we die, we value life and hopefully the people around us live full lives.. there will be someone who lives past your death. your lover is always with you but not for more than 60 years, and you can choose to not be apart of tradition

This post will be freely associated, but with a little structure.

I am obsessed with god. I think about god everyday. I think of hating it, I think of longing for something like it to exist. I know I can't bring myself to believe in one, but then why can't I let go? My life has meaning without a belief in a god. The other day I was so nervous for a piano exam that I imagined myself as someone giving their being over to a greater existence, such as very moved spiritual people submit to a god, and no one came to take my spirit. No thing took my offer. I wasn't expecting a voice or a light, but a final realization as to what the submission part was for. This realization didn't come in a god way, but more that we all see ourselves as helpless so we don't have to realize that it's our fault for not playing piano more to do better on the exam. I will probably never practice piano enough, I like succeeding at it but I am not rewarded. I think many, possibly all behavior could be rooted from reward perception. It's funny because it's easy to agree with any psychological perspective because they all explain something true. I am starting to believe more and more Gian's view of the afterlife. I am so easily influenced by him, and I think I realize it but I don't think he knows it. I think everything I do is inspired by him, almost. I used to be very superficial. I had this dark artistic side that I thought I could only be if I were gothic, and that I didn't want to be gothic. He opened up my innermost creativity that I had snuffed out in order to make friends in high school. Now I am more myself, although how true is that if I'm influenced by him, and I am making a sufficient amount of friends in college. I don't let on that I'm crazy right away, but I do show it enough to sometimes maybe often shock people. I get more annoyed at people than ever, but I do not burn bridges. I think I burned bridges a lot in the past. Some of those are in a way being rebuilt now too. It's weird Tyler texted me. I don't particularly like him, but part of me always wanted to be his friend again. I wish he would see me as I want him to though, and I can't tell if he does. I was very, very emotionally unstable with him. I really must have been to young to handle a relationship like that. I am still very immature about sex, but very accepting of it as well. I don't know why I make a big deal of people fucking sometimes and judge people for being shocked at my life. They don't even know. I don't even know either. I am coming to terms with people waiting until marriage. It does help to live it up in other ways. I think this marks me becoming more accepting and more mature about sex. Maybe I will grow up one day. I learned I need to understand that if someone I love says something I think is wrong, that they didn't mean to be offensive but they have different experiences than me. I still wonder how smart I am compared to other people. I wish I knew, because I feel really smart and I feel like a lot of people get more credit than me and are not as smart. I just think a lot is all. I actually think more than anything else, which means I waste a lot of time.

Part of me is living in a fantasy and I've never told you yet

Part of me has a delusion that we are or are about to be famous, Courtney and Kurt style. Like you and I are an incarnate of their love, but we're a lot more folk. Inside I am planning our documentaries and publications, and I know you're constantly thinking of our art. It's like you already know I have this fake reality. Maybe I am too humble to know that it's the truth. Perhaps I am crazy in a way that we really are going to be in a documentary and I am too excited to accept it. Either way, this story is good for me in that it helps inspire me to create. I feel an importance to my thoughts, creations, appearance. Like, someday people will remember us and in hindsight and think that they thought we were raw and visionary when really right now people think I'm spacey and out there and you're negative and awkward.

I really feel like you know this already, and after thinking awhile I wonder if maybe I should not put it into words. Maybe I should have written this on paper, or not at all. What way will I get this to you? Email or telling you this post is out there is too direct, but I want to know when you get to this. I want you to read it now. I want you to judge me and strip all of my meaning down. To hate it before you accept it.

c.? Dear Gian

b. Dear Gian

can i call the police office and ask if they are doing anything?

On Dec 8, 2010, at 5:55 PM, Gian Pogliano wrote:

Very upsetting. "Police are looking into it" - bullshit.

On Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 5:48 PM, LeClaire, Emily Marie <LECLAIEM@uwec.edu> wrote:
It's Wednesday: Flipside release day. There were none in front of hibbard today. i like the sine so much that i walked to a different academic bldg to pick one up. i noticed the furthur blgds also didnt have flipside. luckily i got one and saw others picking them up as well.

i flipped through looking for authors i know. read a few headlines and none called out to me, until i sat down to read:
 http://flipsidepress.org/content/rape%3A-local-fraternity-crosses-line

I have been to this fraternity: one night in september i called you very "upset" that i had not gotten drunk in EC yet. my friends were at fiji (luckily they are ok) it is riiight off campus, i probably have pointed it out to you.

i plan on throwing bricks through the windows, so please either mail me or bring me bricks. sending me back with some is acceptable as well.

disgusting.

on top of that they were not in front of hibbard due to PEOPLE TAKING THEM SO NO ONE WOULD PICK IT UP AND READ THE TRUTH.
bam.
fuck.
i hate this shit.




Emily LeClaire
Music major Freshman
leclaiem@uwec.edu
cell: 414-416-3129

Respect for life means you love surprises!

a. Dear Gian

Pain shouldn't be associated with dying. pain is living. when you die your brain releases serotonin, noraprenephrine, adrenaline, and endorphins among other happy chemicals. Happiness is dying.

All my philosophy is going to lead to my death, since it's always so depressing. I like it, but it's borderline dangerous. Don't worry, I'm not planning on dying until after I'm 40ish.