I care enough to include in the title that this is a long post, but I don't care enough to shorten it.

I'm going to go Zoe Margolis on y'all. If you don't know, she's the author of Diary of a Sex Fiend, a witty twitter update composer, British, and a pretty awesome feminist. Basically, she's me (well, that's what I tell myself). I lost her book because I lent it out to my friends when I was in high school-- it's about sex! And it is told from a feminist perspective. I figured I'd lure my friends in, and by the end they'd rethink using the word slut and advocate for women's equality and rights. I don't know how that turned out, but they always like the book anyway.

Mine is the diary of another woman. First of all, I don't feel like a woman right now. I'm just getting the point across. And I may not be the third part of the traingle. Either way, involved was a sleepover of the least innocent quality with a friend who has a girlfriend in Madison of like four fucking years. I only know that from facebook. I definitely have been justifying it in my head as I have some guilt for the events. I don't know if I should feel guilty. I've never agreed with people in college who stay with their boyfriends they got with when they were 16.

Personally, I think who you love in high school is so different from anyone you'll meet in 'adulthood'. Staying with your partner in college, especially when they are far away inhibits one to think independently. I've seen it in every case I know of. When I planned on staying with Gian in college, we definitely discussed that and decided to be really open with our relationship. Basically, I hate monogamy anyways and he and I started off as super casual before we fell for each other.

So why do I feel guilty? Probably has to do with that I had to tell my best friend. I didn't want to keep anything from her, and she and I hang out with this chap all the time. She's known him forever, and introduced us. I like saying chap, so that will be his reference. My best friend is super understanding, but really surprised at him and what happened. Weird, because I knew it would happen when I met him. All of the sudden since I've moved to Eau Claire I just read people really well. I have no idea how it happened. Maybe too much drug use or something. I bet I could tell you what you were thinking. One time we hung out, and the chap said something about lying being easy when the person expects you to be responsible and honest. Um, alarms?

The only reason I would let myself fell guilty for is if our actions hurt somebody. However, who knows? They have a really high chance of not being right for each other. They might even be open like Gian and I are. Emily hates talking about her feelings to people; therefore she will not be the instigator of talking about it with the ol' chap. He doesn't seem like he's going to tell, either. I just wish monogamy wasn't so gosh damn important. I'm not denying that sex has baggage or saying that I want to have sex with everyone. It's just that there can be trust and non-monogamy. Obviously, trust is being breeched in my situation but there are definitely people *ahem* (me) that have been secure enough with someone to let them for lack of a better word, stray. In my experience, you just have to be honest. If you can't be honest with someone all the time, how will you know if you're lying when you say "I love you" ?

I think what I'm trying to do is figure out if it's ok or not to do what I did. It's ambiguous, and it will stay that way. I'm obsessively thinking about it and have no one to talk with. you know.